It’s that time of the year again. I usually prefer to leave my end-of-year lists to the very end — some unexpected gems might pop up during the last week of December — and so now, on the 28th, I present to you my first: The least favourite movies of the year.
I’d like to point out that the following contains movies that I have seen, and all of them were released in Australia during 2013. As a result, you might find a few 2012 titles here and on subsequent lists. That should be of no worry to you. Australia can be a bit slow with release dates.
Here’s a movie that really grated on my nerves. As I mentioned in my review, the plot is over after half an hour. Our characters — played by Jason Sudeikis, Jennifer Aniston, Emma Roberts and the gang — succeed in their mission long before any of the real jokes and gags kick in. After half an hour, the story lulls into a tiresome blotch of unfunny comedy, punctuated ever so infrequently by Sudeikis’ deadpan expressions. Less vulgar jokes, more funny ones, more sense, and a tighter script could have made We’re The Millers a great farce. As it is, it’s pretty shitty. Read Review
Potentially a witty and intellectual heist movie, Now You See Me destroys any and all of its believability after its leading magicians and illusionists defy the laws of nature and perform preposterous tricks that have nothing to do with human skill. Watch how they leap off a building and disintegrate into dollar bills. What the-? Watch Jesse Eisenberg transfer his cuffs from his own wrists to those of his interrogators. Eh? And watch how every single character behaves in dull and uninterested tones, leaving a flawed script no alternative but to rely on cliche. Read Review
I enjoyed Shawn Levy’s Night At The Museum. It was clever and funny and it included a bunch of merry old geezers played by lauded veterans. In Levy’s latest, The Internship, the only lauded veteran is the air inhaled by the movie’s pathetically stock cast of teenage actors. The story is immature and insipid. The characters are copy-and-paste cutouts. And the only good thing going for it — the Googleplex — is reduced to a colourful backdrop. Bad, bad, bad. Read Review
For what it’s worth, I liked this movie. On the basis that it presents a skill that I’m sure many people take for granted. Boy, breakdancing is hard, and the pros never make it look easy. But come on, what else does this picture offer? Josh Holloway? Big deal. He doesn’t even bust a move. Chris Brown? Big deal. He breaks his ankle and is out of action. Topless hunks? Maybe. But so what? Their acting could learn a thing or two from their intense training sessions. Bottom line: Battle Of The Year is a sorry excuse for a movie about anything, let alone breakdancing. Read Review
It’s come to a point where any movie adaptation based on a novel by Stephenie Meyer will require cheese in large amounts. The only thing consistent in her stories is the obligatory love triangle that seeks to tear apart the lives of three seemingly innocent and innocuous teenagers. Ugh. Enough. Enough of the “I love you but I love him more” nonsense. Sparkling your movie in silvers and whites and pretty underground caverns does nothing to heighten the emotional quality of the story either. Read Review
I do not understand the need for this movie. And I do not understand the need for Travolta and De Niro to lend their skills to this dredge. What is the story? Who are the characters? What is the point of everything?! Travolta’s accent is laughably bad, yes, but is that the only thing wrong with this picture? No. It is aimless. Tactless. Emotionless. And it’s poorly executed on all levels. Read Review
Here’s a Hangover movie that has no hangovers. Need I say more? Well, no. But I shall. Apart from the obvious desire to steer clear of another photocopy of the first movie, director Todd Phillips biggest blunder was to cast Zach Galifianakis as Alan. I want to kill Alan. Not quickly. I want to do nasty things to him, because no one else in the movie thinks to do them first. And that Ken Jeong guy? Throw him to the dogs. Together the two make one of cinema’s most doggedly irritating duos, if not the most. Read Review
How can so many talented individuals come together to produce slime? How can Richard Gere, Kate Winslet, and Hugh Jackman wake up every morning knowing that their faces can be seen in this movie (one of their faces even comes complete with testicles dangling from the neck)? The only reason Movie 43 isn’t my number 1 pick for worst movie of 2013 is because Terrence Howard’s witty skit involving a black basketball team grants it some redemption. Read Review
Horrible acting. Horrible script. Horrible dialogue. Horrible visual and special effects. Horrible characters. Horrible climax. Horrible demons. Horrible everything. I am getting angry while writing this. Why, why waste so much money on a movie that makes little to no sense, and features Jeff Bridges playing a rehash of his Rooster character from True Grit (which was a damn fine Western)? Why bother to fund this garbage at all? Give that money to the poor, or at least to upcoming student filmmakers who have quality ideas to share. Lord have mercy. Read Review
Here we go. My number pick for most embarrassing film of the year. Ding ding ding! Jeff Wadlow, you’re the winner. Thanks for making a soulless movie that should never have been made. And thanks for thinking that the addition of Jim Carrey would prove successful, because he’s the only thing that works in your movie. Your editing is sloppy. Your story is boring and repetitive. And your visual effects are about as believable as Ernest Borgnine doing a high-wire act. Oh yes, and your villain, The Motherf*cker, is trash. The most upsetting thing, though, is that I really enjoyed the first Kick-Ass. That movie was spectacular, and it hit the right notes every time. Your sequel, Mr. Wadlow, is not fit to contain humans. Read Review