Planes (2013)

Info SidebarDear John,

It has come to my attention that Disney is looking to produce a direct-to-video film based loosely on the world of Cars. I personally think that this is a bad idea. Too many viewers out there are going to compare it to Cars, and most of them will respond negatively. But don’t worry. I have the solution.

Instead of cars, why not make the central characters planes? We can still include cars if you want; they could be the supporting characters. The backgrounders who exist only to fill up space. This way, viewers will still get the idea that the world of this movie is shared with the likes of Lightning McQueen and Mater, everybody’s favourite automobile pair (except mine). What do you think? We could even open the movie with a blurb that reads “From the world of Cars“. Maybe throw in the Cars logo for good measure? You know, you can never be too careful with audiences’ expectations these days. Some might get the impression that we’re making nothing but a cheap rip-off. And we wouldn’t want that!

To be safe, I want to make sure that my script takes on a life of its own. No copying. No plagiarism. I want it to be entirely new and fresh, as if hatched from an egg just laid. So I’ve decided to mix things up a bit. No cars as main characters. Only planes. And instead of having an arrogant racing plane find humility with average joe friends, why not create a humble cropdusting plane who becomes an arrogant monster by the end of the movie? You know, just to spice things up. I think it’s a fabulous idea. I’ve even thought up names for my characters. How’s Dusty Crophopper for the main guy?

I’d love to hear your thoughts on all this. As you can probably tell, I’m incredibly eager to get this project off the ground, if you catch my drift. Hehe. I think we have the chance to make something genuinely real here. Moving even. In order to achieve this, I’ve also decided to make a cross-country air race the central narrative. What better way is there for a down-and-out hero to earn his stripes? Better yet, how else could we throw in the Doc Hudson character from Cars without a race to spur him out of retirement? Does Stacy Keach sit well with you? I had Paul Newman in mind while I was constructing this character, but then I remembered that he’s no longer with us. Rest his soul. Mr. Keach is the only other suitable veteran I could think of. Do let me know if someone better comes to mind. I’m all ears!

In a perfect world, I would’ve liked your baby Pixar to animate this masterpiece. However, I think your boys and girls are busy with their next feature film, the one that isn’t meant to go directly to video. I think it’s best, then, that we give a different animation company a shot. Give a baby room and watch him walk, I always say! What about DisneyToon Studios? I’ve seen them animate some truly spectacular films and I think they’d be perfect for this. It doesn’t even matter that the quality of their image isn’t up to scratch; my story will make up for everything.

Naturally, this movie will be titled Planes, because if I named it anything else, people might not get the connection it has to Cars. And making this connection is key. Everyone must know that I am working within the same creative space and time that gave birth to the Piston Cup. Everything is in place. All that’s left now is to hire a cast of well known actors who have time on their hands to lend their talent to inanimate objects. Once this is settled, I suspect Planes will take off and reach for the stars.

Thank you so much for your time John. I look forward to meeting you in person so that we can discuss releasing this movie in theatres. Oh! One other thing: 3D, or no 3D?

Sincerely, Jeffrey M. Howard


Best Moment | Nope.

Worst Moment | The stupid Navy cap that sits atop the Flysenhower’s head. Don’t know what the Flysenhower is? Don’t watch this movie.

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